Fifteen Accidental Life Lessons
by alescA Munroe
Summary: More accurately, 15 things Team Two, aka Kotetsu and Izumo, learned that their sensei hadn’t meant to teach them at that point. Followup to Wires, Shuriken, and Curses. Some humor, some not. WIP New rating for cursing and man!kissing.
1. Lesson 1

Fifteen Accidental Life Lessons

Notes: Or, more accurately, fifteen things Team Two, aka Kotetsu and Izumo, learned that their sensei hadn't meant for them to learn, either at the time or at all. Some from team experience, some from Kyouji-sensei's mistakes. Expect humor, angst, and that Kyouji, I think, is not an OC who is just going to disappear, no matter how much I'd like him to do just that sometimes.  
It's fifteen because twenty is too many, five is too easy, ten is cliché, and twelve is a biblical number. There is nothing remotely biblical about the shinobi lifestyle.  
Kyouji will often be compared with Orochimaru for the simple fact that Orochimaru was his jounin mentor and they worked together through a war and far longer than can be considered healthy. He is an ass. Yondaime, too, is an ass. This will not change.

Oo0o0o0o0oO

_Ages in this chapter_

Kotetsu and Izumo: 8

Kyouji and the soon-to-be Yondaime: swinging twenty thensome

Kakashi: 10

**Lesson # 1: It is perfectly acceptable to train in snow, sleet, and hail; even though it's high enough to the point where even the likes of Team Yellow Flash are not.**

"He's going to end up killing his students one of these days," Kakashi announces to his sensei. Team Yellow Flash has taken refuge in Sandaime's office from the growing snowstorm, and the young Chuunin is watching the year's early graduate team braving the weather. Izumo and Kotetsu spar in waist-deep snow while Kyouji corrects their form and has them go back over particular moves.

"It's just the way Kyouji-san is, Kakashi," the Yellow Flash responds with a shrug. In fact, these three would be training out there right now, if only Sandaime had asked him to please, _please,_ stop baiting the Uchiha clan. The Hokage would be hearing enough from the Kamizuki clan as it is; another-in the blonde's opinion- puffed up clan on his case was not how the man wanted to end his time as Hokage. "He knows their limits."

The four can hear Izumo cursing a blue streak over the wind, and Kotetsu has finally snapped and is chucking blast notes at both his teammate and sensei. The Yellow Flash doesn't need to be able to hear the ash blonde's response to know that the boys have earned themselves a couple of laps around the village.

Team Two takes a ridiculous number of outdoor missions this winter, and has better luck than most of the other gennin teams because of their proficiency in fighting in impossible weather conditions.

//One down, fourteen to go.


	2. Lesson 2

Notes: I won't always state the lesson beforehand, because sometimes it just makes more sense to just read the story. Less chance of ruining it and all. Someone made the point on my LJ, but the Sake Friday in question is just the one night of the week Kyouji and Arashi get as drunk as humanly possible. There's also a minor reference to Shinobi Tea. You don't have to read that to understand this one, but it'll help with understanding Kyouji's character. He can be quite judgemental.

Disclaimer in Lesson 1.

**Lesson 2**

Oo0o0oO

The topic of death comes up three days after Izumo's brother hangs himself in the Kamizuki clan gardens. By this point in time, Izumo has been working with his psychic/more than mildly empathic abilities for six months and is drawing off Kotetsu's near-unshakable calm to stave off his family's and to quell his own hurt at the clan heir's actions. Normally, Izumo leeches off Kyouji-sensei, but the jounin is troubled, and not by _this _suicide. The ache barely resonating from his sensei is an old one, maybe because of a suicide of someone Kyouji knew, Izumo thinks.

Kyouji exhales. "You know there will come a time to die. Death is one of the few constants in the shinobi lifestyle."

"My brother didn't die on the field," Izumo says tightly, trying to dispel the growing need to vent his frustration. "He failed a mission, and decided he couldn't deal with the dishonour, like he was some fucking samurai-"

A sharper wave of _(remembered) _pain hits Izumo unexpectedly, and for a second he sees a man-_where is the mask, this man should have a mask_- and a tanto and a cup of tea –

-and then Kotetsu is hauling Izumo back into a sitting position, telling him to snap out of it, he's going to give Kotetsu a heart attack one of these days. Kyouji-sensei's eyes flicker with something akin to guilt before he looks away and tells them, "For some people, dying looks to be the only option. But what's harder than dying for an ideal, a village, a single person, is to live for them through it all."

Kotetsu wonders about the story behind those cryptic words, Izumo is afraid he already knows, and Kyouji makes a mental note to see if Sake Friday can again come on a Monday.

Oo0o0oO

Years later, Izumo will be substituting for Iruka when the topic of death again comes up. He will tell these children pretty much the same thing Kyouji-sensei told Kotetsu and him when they were barely the age of these pre-gennin. A few boys won't be paying attention, most notably the Uchiha and an Inuzuka, but the Nara boy will be awake for once, and a boy with hair as bright as Yondaime's had been is strangely alert as Izumo talks.

"Oy," the blonde will pipe up. "What if what you're living for, y'know, goes away? Or that person who's so important dies? What then?" There will be no challenge in his voice, only curiousity.

Izumo will close his eyes and try not to think of a man who lived for one person so long and so fully gave his entire self for that one person that he couldn't find the answer to that very question. "Then you live for what's left. You live for yourself."


	3. Lesson 3

Notes: See Lesson 1 for disclaimers. This chapter is rated T for both Izumo's and Arashi's mouths. Also, this chapter is biased third person, this time for Kotetsu, so his view of the Kamizuki is _slightly_ different from Izumo's.

**Lesson 3: Do not go into sensei's apartment. It is booby-trapped.**

(Kotetsu and Izumo can very proudly say that they did not learn this lesson from personal experience. It also shed some more light on their sensei's abilities and views on crime.)

Oo0o0oO

"Why, again, are we going to Kyouji-sensei's apartment?" Izumo demanded as they walked up five flights of stairs. Kyouji hadn't really told them where he lived, it had taken weeks of tailing the man and finally giving up and asking a desk chuunin for his address for them to even get the building, and convincing the landlady that yes, Kyouji knew they were coming and had just neglected to say which apartment. And it would figure that their sensei would choose an apartment as far away from the stairs as possible.

"He just came back from a mission yesterday," Kotetsu responded patiently. "Nee-sama saw him come through the west gate. I just want to know if he's up to teaching us that one trap."

Izumo snorted. "Sensei's like a goddamn roach- the fuckers are _impossible_ to kill-" He cut himself off and tugged Kotetsu to a halt. "You hear that?"

It wasn't out of the loop for Izumo to 'hear' things, the Kamizuki were all crazy as far as Kotetsu was concerned, but Izumo had this habit of being right, so he stopped. "What is it?"

The Kamizuki peered into the hall they were standing a few steps below. "Someone's awfully anxious about just trying to get a door open," he murmured, turning back to Kotetsu. "Thief."

"In a ninja village?" Kotetsu snorted quietly. He looked around the corner and his eyes widened. "That's Kyouji-sensei's apartment."

"Yeah, it is." Izumo paused. "Part of me wants to see what kind of traps he uses."

"The rest of you knows the traps are probably lethal and involve property damage?"

"Yeah, actually." They exchanged a look, then started running down the stairs, Izumo cursing their lack of knowledge as to how to walk on walls the entire way. Kotetsu just concentrated on not falling the rest of the way.

An explosion rocked the district some few minutes later. Kyouji looked up from where he was walking two blocks away as the side of the fifth floor of an apartment building blew outward with the force of the blast. He sighed, looked down at the two bags of groceries in his arms, and hoped it would last until repairs were done.

(Kyouji ended up eating instant ramen and ration bars for the four months it took to find the would-be thief's arm and repair the damage.)

Oo0o0oO

//Actual End is Here.

Oo0o0oO

//Bonus Ending Begins Here

Oo0o0oO

Minato wasn't even sympathetic. "If you'd stop using blast note based traps-"

"If people would realize that stealing in a ninja village is tantamount to suicide-"

"-then Sandaime-sama wouldn't make you pay for the repairs to yet ANOTHER building. The last thief lost a leg, Kyouji-san. You got sued for more than we get paid in two years."

Kyouji set down his chopsticks. "That guy was at least chuunin, right? Shouldn't he have been smart enough to watch out for traps? Or better yet, realize the point I JUST made? It's not my fault he had all the sense of a suicidally depressed lemming."

"What the hell is a lemming?" Minato raised an eyebrow.

"An idiotic creature I came across in the Land of Grass. Their ninja aren't much better. And you're trying to change the topic. The thief should be paying ME, not the other way around."

A messenger appeared. "Kyouji-san, Sandaime-sama wants to speak with you."

Minato raised his sake cup. "Have fun-"

"Actually, Minato-san, Sandaime-sama wants to see you too," the messenger added. "He said the seal-work looked like something you would do."

Minato looked at Kyouji. Kyouji gave a crocodile smile. "I fucking _hate _you, Kyouji-san."

"Hate me all you want, just don't leave your scrolls at my place unless you want them to be beta-tested."


	4. Lesson 4

Notes: See Lesson 1 for disclaimers. Still a T for minor man!kissing. About these being accidental lessons...most are things Kyouji hadn't meant to teach them at the time, but they would've had to learn eventually in most cases.

**EDIT**: Fixed the Yellow Flash's name. 'Arashi' is now going to be a completely separate OMC, see my LJ for details

**Lesson 4: A Kiss is Not a Big Deal**

It was a nice day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, the war was going in Konoha's favor, and Obito and Izumo hadn't fought once on the joint B-class drop-off. Kyouji almost smiled when they stopped for lunch. At this rate, they'd be home in a few hours and he could work on that new technique- "Kyouji-sensei, how old were you when you got your first kiss?"

-or he could assign his brats as many miles as it took for them to realize that _stupid questions are bad_. Kyouji turned to Izumo as the group stopped for lunch on Minato's suggestion. "_What?_"

"How old were you when you got your first kiss?" Izumo repeated. "Was it weird? 'Cause it looks like it would feel kind of weird- wait. You _have_ been kissed before, right?"

Izumo was suddenly hanging upside down by his ankles from the nearest tree. Kyouji knotted the other end of the wires to a root and pulled out his canteen. Minato tried not to laugh. "Why are you asking, Izumo-san?" he wanted to know as he sat next to his fellow jounin-sensei. Kyouji gave him the 'go away, annoyance' glance (Kotetsu and Izumo had named every variation of the sidelong glance that Kyouji favored), which Minato steadfastly ignored.

Izumo swung around, trying to double over to reach the wires around his ankles. "'Cause I'm eleven years old and I've never been kissed! That brat Mizuki's been kissed! Hayate and ANKO have gotten kissed! Even _Umino Iruka's_ been kissed, and he's still in the Academy! "

"Why is being kissed so important?" Kyouji asked, looking annoyed. "Will it help you survive the missions you get at this level? Does it make you a better person?"  
"It would mean he's not a little kid anymore," Obito offered, munching on his lunch.

Kyouji scoffed. "Kissing is not a big deal."

"So how old WERE you when you got your first kiss?" Izumo challenged, tugging at a certain wire and falling to the ground, managing to make it look painless until he fell over trying to get up.

"Nine," Kyouji responded shortly. "And it was an experience I could have done without."

"That's so not _fair_!" Obito and Izumo wailed in stereo.

Minato muttered something and, grabbing Kyouji by his hair, kissed him firmly on the mouth. Rin, who had just come back from the nearby river with Kakashi, squeaked and fell over in a dead faint. Everyone else just stared, agape. "See?" Minato said to the younger shinobi. "Getting kissed is not that big a deal."

"Yeah, tell that to sensei, he's about to kill you." Kotetsu pointed at Kyouji.

Kyouji's hand wrapped around the wires he had used to incapacitate Izumo earlier and was flinging his arm around towards Minato. The blonde was suddenly behind Kyouji and the wires cut into pieces the Rock-nin who had been trying to ambush them. He then elbowed Minato solidly in the nose. "Use me as a distraction again, and I'll kill you."

"Distraction! Pfft," Izumo snorted. "Minato-sempai just wants to get in your pants."

Obito punched Izumo before either jounin-sensei could do anything. Kotetsu kicked Obito for hitting his teammate and Kakashi defended Obito purely on principle. Rin was still out cold. Kyouji sighed. There went his good mood.

Oo0o0oO

Oh yes, and Rin seems to think Minato and Kyouji have something going on, and Izumo is inclined to believe her. I have no idea what they're going on about. Really. XD I'll post to my LJ sometime within the next few days in regards to that matter. It's already typed out, but is too Kyouji-centric to put here.


	5. Lessons 5, 6, & 7

Disclaimer: Same as it's been- I don't own them.

Notes: Yeah, I kind of gypped you out of a couple of chapters here. It's been a busy semester. Just remember, Arashi and Minato are two separate characters.

**Lesson 5: Leave the cooking to those who can.**

"So this is a regular occurrence." Arashi tilted his head, a bemused look on his face. He didn't know puke could be that color.  
"Something of one, yes," Kyouji responded. "I can't leave them alone for five minutes."  
Kotetsu pointed a finger at the two jounin. "Shut up, no one likes you."  
Kyouji gave a half smile. "If you would have just waited five minutes like I told you-"  
"Yeah yeah," Izumo griped, simultaneously trying to regurgitate the entire contents of his stomach-acid and lining included- and get a drink of water. "Leave the cooking to you."  
"Don't think they'll ever learn," was Arashi's conclusion. He clapped a hand on Kyouji's back, tipping his ANBU mask back down. "Good luck."  
Kyouji resisted the urge to sigh (or backhand his cousin, either would do right now) and emptied the cooking pot of his students' attempt at cooking for the team.

**Lesson 6: When Sensei says don't touch that, he means it.**

Kyouji stared at his students without an ounce of sympathy. "I told you so."  
Still swearing a blue streak, Izumo and Kotetsu tried to get out of the wire trap before Kakashi got back and found out they had tried to go through his pack. "A little _help_, sensei?!"  
"Nope." Kyouji settled against a nearby tree to enjoy the show.

**Lesson 7: The client isn't always the good guy, but he IS the one paying you, so do your job.**

Kyouji watched their irate client storm off towards the hotel and then turned to his team. "Izumo-san. Kotetsu-san."  
The boys looked livid. "He's selling opium to kids our age!" Izumo all but yelled. "He's the reason all these kids in the past four villages are junkies and you're asking us to protect that scumbag?!"  
Kotetsu, normally the voice of reason, agreed. "I mean, I get that we're ninja and stab people in the backs and all, it's our way of life. But while we're ninja, we're not fucking ninja."  
Kyouji shook his head. He agreed, but he had to eat this month. He hardened his voice and gave them an unyielding look. "Back on the job."  
His students threw him a betrayed look, but went to go fulfill their bodyguarding duties.  
Four hours later, after their mission had been completed and the next team had taken over protecting the client, Kotetsu and Izumo heard their client screaming that 'some geisha girl' had tied him up and left him in an alley _and_ took all the drugs he had been peddling, and knew who to thank. Of course, Kyouji is not female and has a solid alibi, so of _course_ it wasn't the sensei teaming up with his bratty charges, whatever gave you that idea?

OoOoO

End Notes: That quote of Kotetsu's is one I modified from a movie I heard about. The guy said he was "a bastard, but not a fucking bastard". shrugs Makes sense to me.  
points to Lesson 7 Not sure if I've made it clear here, but Kyouji goes undercover as a woman, specifically a geisha, on occasion. Short description:waist length brown hair, light blue eyes, tall, lean-built, a little on the androgynous side. If you want, I'll put more detailed descriptions of Kyouji and Arashi in my LJ


	6. Lessons 8 & 9

Disclaimer: The usual.

Notes: Sorry I haven't updated in a very long while. Ooops. Btw, Kyouji and his entire situation have changed a bit since he was first created (example: not blonde anymore, and he's got family besides Arashi), but that's not really important to this piece.

Takes place when Izumo and Kotetsu are still genin.

**Lesson 8: Not knowing how to swim is not an option**.

**Lesson 9: Learn by doing.**

"You do not know how to swim," Kyouji repeats and wonders not for the first time when Academy standards had fallen so low. "How can you not know how to swim?"

Izumo shrugs, still hanging upside down from a tree branch, holding on only with chakra from one foot. "I've always had good enough chakra control that it wasn't necessary," he responds and swivels to catch the kunai Kotetsu throws at him. "Gonna have to do better than that, Kotsu."

Kyouji catches Kotetsu's wrist before he can throw a kunai with a blast tag attached. Kotetsu frowns and shoves the tag back into his pack. "Would've made things more interesting," he grumbles and pulls out three shuriken instead.

"I am allowing you to throw weapons at each other," Kyouji retorts. Wind whips the branches around and Izumo almost loses his hold on the tree when leaves blow in his face. "This is as interesting as it's going to get."

Izumo slings the shuriken back at Kotetsu. "Besides, it's not like we're at war with Hidden Mist or Rain or anything. I don't need to know how to swim."

Kyouji's eye twitches. "So you think."

0o0o0o0

A scream rips through the early morning air and half the ninja in Konoha are up and armed before they wake up enough to realize what it is. "Just some idiot training his genin team," Arashi assures the rest of his ANBU team as he drops back into his bunk in the on-call room still clutching his mask and sword.

Minato shrugs a little when the other two members of his team look at him as though it's his responsibility to do something about this. "It's _his_ cousin. Also, you try telling Kyouji to stop doing something to do with training those brats. He'll saddle you with them for a month."

"Personal experience?" Aya inquires in a saccharine tone that implies that the next time they're all bleeding out, Minato is getting healed last.

"Think of it as practice," Hikou suggests and puts his own gear back into its pile on his bunk. He grins at Minato. "Everyone knows you're going to be Yondaime Hokage. Whether Sandaime-sama kicks it or retires first is the question."

Arashi groans into his pillow and rolls out of bed. "Fine, I give. I'm going to go see if I can't get Kyou to shut his brats up so I don't have to be here while Aya murders Hikou for being damn near blasphemous."

"What'd I say?" Hikou asks as the door shuts behind Arashi.

0o0o0o0

Kyouji just leans over the bridge railing as Izumo flails and curses in the deep, slow-moving river below. The only reason Izumo isn't already drowning is because Kotetsu jumped in after him. "_Are you trying to kill me_?" Izumo howls up at his sensei, almost drowning _Kotetsu_ as he tries to keep his head above the water. "I swear by the _monument_, sensei, you're _dead_!!"

"You are learning how to swim before our next mission," Kyouji informs him and plucks Kotetsu out of the water. Izumo manages to hold on for a brief moment before falling back in with a splash. "Learn by doing."

"Murder by watching him drown is still murder," Arashi greets them as he joins Kyouji on the bridge. He's in ANBU black, but missing weapons and the porcelain armor and mask, and looks as though he just woke up. Kotetsu takes the distraction to jump back in the river and start attempting to teach his teammate how to not drown. "C'mon, Kyou. You just woke up half the village. This couldn't wait until afternoon? Or at least not five in the morning?" He peers into the water, where Kotetsu has at least gotten Izumo to stop trying to kill him by accident. "What _are_ you doing, anyway?"

"Teaching him to swim."

Arashi grins. "Is this how Kou taught you to swim? Throwing you in?"

"Kouichi-niisama did not teach me to swim. I learned on a mission." Below, Kotetsu treads water as Izumo flails and barely manages to keep his head above water. By this evening, maybe he'll be swimming. Kyouji sighs and pulls off his heavy muffler and fingerless gloves. "I suppose I should go down there."

"Yeah, you should. And Kyou?" The older jounin pauses in removing his sandals. "Was sealing his chakra entirely necessary?"

Kyouji almost smiles. "Entirely."


	7. Lesson 10

Disclaimer: Standard

Notes: Sorry for the very long wait, everybody who put this on their alert. This is an old piece, but it fits for a lesson and everyone's characterization so far in this. I've been busy in original fiction, and finishing this list will be a lot harder than expected. OriginalFiction!Kyouji has changed a lot from Naruto!Kyouji since I started all this. Might've mentioned that last time. Hmm.

Timestamp of chapter before this: 11 April 2009

Timestamp of current chapter: 21 October 2009

~o~0~o~

**Lesson #10: Never crossdress, even if it is vital to the mission.**

Minato arrives with his team at the Hokage Tower and finds Team Two minus their sensei waiting outside Sandaime's office. "Sensei's cranky today," Izumo announces with unholy glee.

"Cranky?" Minato repeats, perplexed.

Kakashi, in an unusually expressive display of annoyance, drags a hand down his face and looks at the pair of gennin. "Not again?"

"Oh yeah," Kotetsu confirms, drawing a character on a blank scroll. "Killed the messenger pigeon and everything."

"'Crossdress once and they remember it forever'," Izumo quotes, an almost perfect imitation of Kyouji in a snit. "Then he said if we knew what was good for our careers we would never ever wear women's clothing, even if it's vital to the mission."

"Is that so," Minato says dryly. Rin's hiding a smile behind her hand.

"Yep," Kotetsu says matter of factly. "Even if it means blowing covers and being louder than those tacky samurai-wannabe ninja," Minato's eye twitches violently at this, and Rin giggles, "then that's what you do."

Obito snickers. "Your sensei wears women's clothing?"

Izumo sneers. "Yeah? Well _your_ sensei prances around calling himself the Yellow Flash. Ever wonder how he got _that_ nickname?"

"Don't be disgusting, Izumo-kun," Rin admonishes, hands now on her hips as she frowns at him. "It's because of Hiraishin no Jutsu."

"Sure," Izumo drawls, casting a look at Minato, who is slowly approaching beet red, and Kakashi, who has a hand permanently over his face now and shaking his head. "That's what the press release _says_."

"That mission report is classified," Kakashi reminds Izumo.

The nine year old blinks. "You two would break so fast under interrogation," he says in wonderment. "I was just _kidding_ about that."

There's an embarrassed silence. Minato opens Sandaime's door and Kyouji's voice, cold and sharp like one of his wires, comes out. "I have more in my skill set than dressing like a woman and whoring myself off. Just because I'm gay-"

The door slammed in Minato's face. Team Two cracks up and Obito looks confused. "Hey, what's he mean by 'gay'? Sure as hell doesn't sound like he meant _happy_, sensei."

"Obito, how old are you?" Minato pinches the bridge of his nose and looks just short of about to _kick_ Kyouji's students.

"Eleven."

"And has your dad given you The Talk yet?"

"Mom keeps telling him he needs to, but-"

"When he does, ask him what gay means."

~o~0~o~

Some time later, Kyouji walks out and plucks out of Izumo's hand the kunai he was about to throw into the wall. "I thought I heard Minato-san out here," he says, walking away from the office. His students fall into step with him.

"Obito-san's dad showed up and Obito-san asked him what 'gay' means," Kotetsu says with a shrug. "Never seen Uchiha-sama move that fast before, he dragged Obito-san out of here like the entire Hidden Rock village was after him. Minato-sensei followed, trying to calm him down, and Rin-chan and Kakashi-san went to wait in the training field."

Kyouji can't help but smirk a little. Typical Uchiha. He casts a look down at his gennin. "Do you know what it means?"

"Dad says it's the social deviance where a guy thinks it's okay to like other guys instead of girls," Izumo answers seriously. "Which, you know, sounds okay to _me_, because girls are gross."

Kyouji stops walking and looks up to the sky. "Laps," he says very very calmly. "Now."

His students stop and stare at him balefully. "How many?" Kotetsu sighs and thinks he's far too used to this. Izumo starts in on cursing a blue streak, one that won't end while they're running. The other nine-year-old is scarily good at cursing loudly and coherently while running around the village.

"Until you drop dead," Kyouji deadpans. "Go."

He watches his students lope off and heads for his apartment. When he is a block away from his apartment, an explosion rocks the area as a wall of his apartment building blows outward. "God. _Dammit_."


End file.
